Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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