I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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