i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
