my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
