I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize