I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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