Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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