Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
