I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry my hands just texted you
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
