thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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