So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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