Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
