true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
