the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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