Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
