I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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