I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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