Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
