You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
