i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
