I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
