I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
