It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
