just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
