hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
