just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
