I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize