we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
