"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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