I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize