K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
