I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your penis caused this!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
