i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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