you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
