cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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