I hope mine doesn't look like that
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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