I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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