remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
