I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
