I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
