I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
