Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
