also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
