alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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