is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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