So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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