Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize