This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
