Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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