There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
