Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We're too hungover to prance.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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