All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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