I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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