his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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