Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
