I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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