Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
