I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
