the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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