Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
